changes

so its been over a month since i signed up for a blogger accout, and to date i've made one official entry. ...pretty poor if you ask me. there has been plenty going on, however, i have no excuse.

likewise, it's been almost a month since ferney, the abandoned 8 yr old boy from colombianita, moved into our house with tyler and i. tyler is from texas, and arrived here in colombia about the same time i did. great guy, and a huge help.

safe to say, this past month was more than i could have imagined. specifically, more emotionally draining, trying, confusing, and all around difficult. i look back to the ministy meeting when it was announced to the rest of the team that i had agreed to take in ferney, and i got a timely "oohh" or in spanish "oesh" from nearly everyone present. at the time, it was comical. i can see now how naive i was concerning the implications of my decision. i knew i was in for a challenge, but without experience, i was comitting to the unknown.

ferney was abandoned. what does that mean for a kid only 8 years old? a child old enough to know what love should be, to have an appreciation for his providers, in this case soley his mom, and a child old enough to fight for what he wants, misses, or fears. abondoment is a fairly straight-foward word, but with so much consequence. consequence that when faced with, i find myself at times unprepared to go to battle against. how can i know what it feels like to be given away to strangers, by the only one that i believe cares for me, provides for me, and maybe loves me? i will never be able to relate, just like i will never truly relate with the poor. i will always have a saftey net. someone to call, to pick me up, take me home, back to the world of abundance and security. part of poverty is the complete lack of security, living each day hand to mouth, not knowing what tomorow will or will not bring. in part, i belive that is where ferney is at. he has been given away by what he intrinsically knows to be love, his family, and is faced with the uncertainty of whether or not he'll ever get it back.

so....last thursday, it finally happens. i'm on my way to pick ferney up from school, only to find him in a fight with an archrival, didier, a kid much smaller, and nicer, that ferney seems to have something against. i pull him away and walk him to the corner. he's angry and resorts to behavior that is less than kind, and then talks about running to his mom. at this point, he's had a normal day filled with fighting and getting in to trouble, and he's as angry as ever, but i don't think he is capable of making the 45 minute trek to the recycling village of colombianita, where he wrongly believes his mom to be. evenso, he runs off, not to return. tyler and i, along with the help of our homeless friend camilo across the street, spent the evening searching the neighborhood with no luck. the next morning, we found out he did in fact make it to colombianita, and later to his mom's. it was good to know he was safe, and suprising to know his mom agreed to keep him for the weekend. maybe a sign of hope.

hope. i need to hope in the posiblity for change not only in ferney, but his mom. last sunday she came to the monthy visitation time here at the house. it's hard for me to understand how someone like ferney's mom can care so little as to abandon her son, but yet make an appearance once a month to visit. i was at a loss for words while sitting next to her, not knowing what to think or feel. sitting next to someone responsible for so much pain and emotional damage, i was forced to make small talk about the day and dance around the numerous episodes of struggle that had taken place over the past weeks.

in spite of all that has happened this month, i hope for ferney. for all the bad that he is capable of, he is also capable of good. this is redemption. the redemption that god can do in his life, if ferney allows it. the question is, will he allow it? i see signs that tell me no. at times he seems to get more satisfaction out of doing wrong than good. he lacks the sense of connection between his actions and words, and the effects thereafter. i'm hit with 2x4, spat on, he curses me and my family, expresses his desire to take my life, and five minutes later wants a hug and can't understand why i seem a little upset. this is what scares me most. he has normalized his behavior, which is far from normal and at times dangerous, and at the age of 8, fights internal battles that i can't imagine. but yet there are times when he seems cabable of love and desires to do the right thing, and for a moment makes me forget about the battles waged the night before. his environment plays a huge part in his outward behavior. around bad kids, he joins in and makes the situation worse, feeding off negative influence and inturn influencing those around him. his level of influence for bad is what convinces me of his potential for positive influence. another thing that i'm leanring is that when he feels good as a person, and feels afirmend in something, he is 100 times more likely to do good.

because he has been with his mom for the weekend, i've been able to relax, get out of the house with friends, and clear my mind a bit. today we find out if he returns to our house, stays with his mom, or is sent to the only other option; the governmental social service. my hope is that his mom see's her responsiblity as a parent, and finds the courage to take him back. maybe then they can begin the rebuilding process and the past 5 months of abandonment for ferney can become a memory instead of a reality sooner than later.

one last thing. there is so little that i know about ferney and his life so far. one can only guess as to the extent that he has been abused and mistreated. but one thing i do know is he has a life to live. a life to influence others for the better, learn how to love, and a life to enjoy. for this, i hope in him, and all the kids that the ministry gets to work with every day.